I hate myself.
That feels corny to say but I really really do. I hate my body, I hate my voice, I hate my family, I hate the fact that I will never be able to live a normal life as who I want to be. I am so disgusting and horrible and I don't understand how anyone could ever want to be friends with me. I wish I could just kill myself and start over because the truth is, it doesn't ever get better, no matter how much people say it will do. Because of the way that I was born I will never be able to live my life normally, and it is all that I wish for.
I feel sick to my stomach looking at my disgusting body, at how awful and yucky it is. Even when I leave the house and I feel like I look pretty, as soon as I open my stupid mouth I sound horrible, I wish I could just shut up and not say a word forever.
This isn't me but then the question is WHAT IS? I don't even really have a preferred name, how are people supposed to refer to me if I can't even think enough to the point that I can think of something that I like people calling me. Anything is better than my real name, but even still I don't even try to stop people from calling me that.
I desperately want to be included in things, I see photos from the people that I love the most of them having fun and such. I would ask to join in but I wouldn't want to bother anyone with my presence. You will have more fun without me.
I can't even buy myself clothes because I am just THAT incompetent. I walk into a store and get so overwhelmed with choice and the worry that I will look and/or feel ridiculous in whatever I buy so I walk out without getting anything.
Not even the people who are supposed to help me help me, they just either say I'm lying about things that are happening or can't be bothered enough to help me.
For years and years, for longer than I can remember I have had trouble with fainting seemingly randomly, especially if I stand up or move too quickly. I have been needing to go to the doctors for so long for a checkup but I have no motivation to do anything like that because I am too scared to go in myself. Again, just me being incompetent.
I hate having to live the majority of my life pretending that I am somebody that I am not, every day that goes by is another day closer to death that I am.